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How to Show Grace in the Face of Rejection

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What do you do when you’ve run out of persuasion options? Welcome to the NFL.

Let’s face it: Over the course of your career, you’re going to get rejected more than once. If you’re not hearing “no” at least some of the time, you’re probably not stretching yourself enough. That said, how should you respond in that moment of rejection?

  • Don’t get angry. That will just further push away your target.
  • Do show disappointment. No need to wear a tough poker face after the proposal you spent so much time and energy on gets turned down. As a matter of fact, if you don’t appear a little disappointed, your target could think your pitch wasn’t all that important to you.
  • Do remain respectful. How? By using power language: “Well, of course I’m disappointed. But I’d like to thank you for giving the idea such careful consideration.”

In the 1968 movie The Lion in Winter — set in in England in 1183 — King Henry II has imprisoned his conniving sons, Princes Geoffrey and Richard, in the wine cellar. When they think they hear their father coming down the stairs to kill them, this exchange occurs:

Prince Richard: He’ll get no satisfaction out of me. He isn’t going to see me beg.

Prince Geoffrey: My, you chivalric fool — as if the way one fell down mattered.

Prince Richard: When the fall is all that is, it matters.

Show grace in the face of rejection.

What Do Playing Basketball and Persuading Others Have in Common?

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The NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament begins this week. Teams play all season for the opportunity to compete in what is arguably sport’s most exciting event, and the ones that are “hot,” or “in the zone,” or “firing on all cylinders” usually perform the best.

Claremont Graduate University’s Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Management Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced MEE-hye CHEEK-sent- mə-HYE-ee) calls this progression the “state of flow.”

In his groundbreaking 1990 book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Csikszentmihalyi described “flow” as “the process of total involvement with life.” Later, in a 1996 interview with Wired magazine, he defined “flow” as “being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost.”

Unwittingly, Csikszentmihalyi also was describing peak performance, which occurs when you perform almost effortlessly at an incredibly high ability in challenging situations. Like the athlete who makes the winning free throw with 1.2 seconds remaining, the salesperson who performs gracefully and comfortably in challenging and complex selling situations, or the marketing manager who convinces a roomful of opinionated people that his way is best.

Think about it.

Six Ways to Strengthen Your Pitch

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Not every persuasion attempt you make will be successful. But here are six ways to strengthen your chances by adding muscle to your pitch:

1. Drop your “er.”

Watch out for the language tic that uses the comparative “er” when referring to new products, services or ideas – as in “better,” “nicer” or “sleeker” than another product or service you sell, or an “easier,” “stronger” or “sexier” idea than someone else’s.

2. Work your way though unreasonable demands.

Sometimes (although, thankfully, not as often as most salespeople fear), buyers’ positions will become intractable: “If you don’t give me a 50 percent price reduction, I’m going to your competitor!” One of my favorite phrases to use in these situations is “unreasonable demands” – as in, “I’m sorry, but you are really making unreasonable demands.” Most people don’t want to have their motives or actions characterized in that manner, so when you have to, do so.

3. Ask for help.

When you’re looking for clarification, don’t be afraid to ask. For example, when you’re trying to isolate an objection, say something like, “Help me understand why you feel that way.” It’s a great step toward easily transitioning to the next part of the persuasion process.

4. Be careful about how you acknowledge the point.

I chuckle when a salesperson responds to an objection with an honest “Actually, you make a good point” – as if the customer was able to somehow come up with something smart and relevant to say. Avoid it, and acknowledge the point without faux flattery.

5. Don’t settle for little solutions.

No one wants a “little” solution. They want a powerful solution, a unique solution, a significant solution. Don’t belittle your own contribution.

6. Don’t accept “no” for an answer.

When someone delivers a flat-out “no,” ask very politely if, were you to tell him something he has yet to consider, he would be willing to change his mind. If the answer is “yes,” that “no” just got upgraded to a “maybe.” And then …

Risk and Persuasion: What You Need to Know

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While you may not be familiar with the term “chiasmus” [kahy-az-muhs], chances are you’ve encountered it. One of the most famous came from John F. Kennedy: “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”

Chiasmus is a verbal pattern in which the second half of a phrase is balanced against the first, with key elements being reversed. Other renowned chiasmi? “I am stuck on Band Aid® brand ’cause Band Aid’s stuck on me!” and “Live to ride / Ride to live.”

Think about these types of reversals to make your points:

  • Do you want your money in the bank or the bank in your money?
  • It’s one thing to have the insurance and not need it, but quite another to need insurance and not have it.
  • Do we want to face the competition now or have the competition in our face later?

Even “The Golden Rule” is based on a chiasmus: Treat others as you would like them to treat you.

One powerful persuasion tool is to heighten the sense of risk with your target, then leverage something known as anticipated regret and provide your recommendation about how to proceed.

My favorite way of raising risk is with a chiasmus: “It’s one thing to have the insurance and not need it. It’s a completely different situation to need it and not have it.” That’s an interesting notion.

Attach that with something called “anticipated regret,” and now you’re getting somewhere. This is when you ask your target to consider the angst he would feel if he didn’t follow your advice and made a bad decision as a result. Researchers have proven that people are much more inclined to take your advice if they first considered what might happen if they didn’t: “How badly would you feel if, after we had this conversation, you found yourself in a situation where you were exposed.”

Then take your flashlight and lead that person through the darkness by offering an expert recommendation: “So here’s what I’m going to suggest: Get the insurance. Then if you need it, you’re covered.”

This week, try using a chaismus to get your way. Share your experience in the comments section below.

How To (Successfully) Sell an Idea

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Selling an idea is a lot like making a persuasive presentation; the biggest difference is that ideas lack tangibility. You’re not soliciting donations, rallying for a raise or convincing an on-the-fence customer to choose between a Kia and a BMW. Rather, you’re making something concrete out of the abstract, which means you must instantiate to captivate.

This requires some creativity on the part of both persuader and target, so provide vivid mental imagery via storytelling to help a client, customer or colleague “see” your idea. Try these:

  • “Imagine the look on your client’s face when you tell him you can help his company double revenue and decrease expenses in 12 months.”
  • “What if I said I can help you overcome your fear of public speaking by the time you give your next presentation?”
  • “If you take the time to read this book and develop a persuasion priority, you’ll be hearing people say ‘yes’ more often than you ever thought possible.”

To help your target better “see” your ideas, it might be helpful to use images such as photographs or illustrations, double-axis charts and Venn diagrams. These can further solidify your pitched idea in the mind’s eye of your target.

Now, go persuade somebody.

How to Win Back Credibility

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As chairman and CEO at General Electric for 20 years between 1981 and 2001, Jack Welch was known as “Neutron Jack,” because his often-draconian decisions left buildings standing but removed all the people. When GE suffered a variety of public bruisings — scandals within the multinational corporation’s credit department, price-fixing with diamonds in South Africa, money-laundering and fraud in Israel — Walsh unilaterally announced that henceforward managers not only were required to meet performance goals, but had to do so within the company’s value system. Doing one without the other would be insufficient. And, in short order, a conglomerate that manufactured everything from light bulbs to locomotives became a model company because Jack Welch had regained his, and his company’s, credibility.

“I think you know in life what’s a good thing to do and what’s a bad thing, and I did a bad thing. And there you have it,” Hugh Grant told Jay Leno in 1995 after the actor was caught with a prostitute in Los Angeles. Grant went on to become a successful leading man in Hollywood — in part, I’ll argue, because he admitted his mistake and blamed no one but himself. That’s one way to mend a credibility gap.

President Bill Clinton, another man whose moral temptations got the best of him, was impeached for inappropriate actions with an intern and then lied to Congress about his behavior. He emerged as a consensus builder and a brilliant politician.

If those guys can regain their credibility, so can you. Here are 10 steps to put you back in good graces with colleagues and associates:

1. Assess the damage.

Try to understand what really occurred, factually and perceptively, that caused you to lose credibility. Ask others if you need objective help, because you can’t afford to underestimate the damage or assume it will pass with time. The damage O.J. Simpson did to his credibility did not pass with time.

2. Start rebuilding credibility with small steps.

Engage a few people or groups at a time, focusing on low-key topics and non-controversial issues. Make sure you deliver what you promise when you promise.

3. Admit your error.

Honesty counts for a whole lot in business. Lies have no place in running an ethical operation. Lying about a mistake or passing the blame will only undo whatever credibility you’ve managed to hold onto.

4. Learn the language of apology.

Sharing information about pending and completed decisions, apologizing for mistakes, and listening to and responding to concerns, questions and comments are at the core of leadership credibility. Simply understanding the power of apologetic language is a huge recovery step.

5. Channel your inner Johnny Carson.

Johnny Carson is one of my all-time favorite American entertainers. When a guest would mention a current event or piece of knowledge outside of Johnny’s realm, the host didn’t feign understanding, try to take over the conversation, or “one up” the guest. He simply said, “I did not know that.” That’s what I say now, and so should you.

6. Understand selective memory.

Allow some events to fade. Don’t keep reminding people of previous transgressions. You may have been tipsy at an office party, but someone else probably drank a lot more than you.

7. Realize that credibility is a volume knob, not an “on/off” switch.

It’s impossible to be “mostly pregnant,” but you can be “mostly credible.” Seek success, not perfection. Think of the needle registering on a gauge: You want it to keep rising, which represents strong and steady progress. It’s doesn’t need to be revving on the red line in order to be working properly.

8. Remember that all things are relative.

Nobody is asking you to be “the most credible” person ever at your job. You simply need to be credible. It doesn’t matter if you’re the most popular guy in the office or the best-liked gal in your department, so why strive to be the most credible? Such distinctions carry little weight in most cases.

9. Conduct conversations about your lapse.

This will allow you to prove you’re in a much better place now. Just don’t raise the issue incessantly. If you’re comfortable conversing about it, you’re going to make it a topic of conversation and not a cause célèbre.

10. Shake it off.

Don’t let mistakes undermine everything you do. Ignore the “doom loop” mentality of struggling with a credibility issue or an incident that serves only to further undermine your confidence and credibility.  Let it go the way an athlete overcomes a minor injury. Don’t go running to the training room or, worse, admit yourself to the hospital.

Follow these tips, and get ready to watch your credibility climb.

Here Are Four Ways to Lose Credibility Quickly

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Now that I’ve shared four ways to boost your credibility, here are four ways to jeopardize it.

There is only one condition worse than not having credibility, and that is having had credibility and losing it. Credibility lost is extremely hard to regain, so let’s look at key causes and successful prevention techniques:

1. Your success track record ends.

When that happens, so will your credibility. You either will make continuous progress and achieve victories, or you won’t. The choice is yours.

2. You become deceitful.

Most unethical conduct is committed for the organization’s gain, not personal gain. But that doesn’t lessen the impact. “White lies” in business — unlike those in family situations, where the complete truth might significantly hurt a loved one — can be tolerated in very few situations. When someone knows that you’ve lied, that person immediately questions what else you’ve been lying about, are lying about or will be lying about. And that, friends, throws your credibility over the edge of the cliff.

3. You fail to share credit, thus undermining credibility.

That’s why I continue to emphasize accepting blame and sharing credit. It’s better to risk providing credit to even peripheral contributions than to fail to reward it for just one person.

4. Your ego becomes bigger than a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

If you think only of, about and for yourself, that will become quickly apparent to those around you. You must demonstrate that you’re acting with others in mind via gestures of generosity that are clearly visible. A simple and public “thank you” often packs more punch than a reward handed over in the privacy of an office. There are reasons why the U.S. military puts medals on people in front of a lot of other people.

Can you return from credibility self-immolation?

It’s tough, but yes. And when you do, you’ll be joining a club of famous people who came back from the abyss to reinvent their careers and (in some cases) attain even higher heights — including Bill Clinton, Hugh Grant, Robert McNamara, Tiger Woods, and Jack Welch.

How Much Credibility Do You Have?

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Credibility cannot be achieved if you do not possess the following three attributes: expertise, track record and respect.

1. Expertise

Expertise means that you actually comport yourself as an expert. Experts’ opinions are believed and sought; they are not generally subject to quibbles or arguments. No one has ever walked up to Peter Drucker and challenged his thinking about management strategy.

You gain expertise through experiences, education, observations and boldly moving on from both your victories and your defeats. It’s fine to be defeated in a good cause if you learn from it. That’s how you hone your skills — through continual application and real-world use. It’s often said that saints engage in introspection, while sinners run the world. Think about that.

In a rapidly changing world of technology, globalization and shifting social mores, expertise is an ongoing act, not a static position. How do you know you’re an “expert”? Because people cite you, quote you, defer to you, ask your opinion and use you as the standard. Even if all that only happens within your own organization.

2. Track Record

Nothing succeeds in promoting credibility like results that others can see, touch, feel, hear and smell. In other words, don’t just talk the talk; walk the walk. Track records don’t require uniform and unblemished successes. In fact, it’s better that they show variation. The idea is to constantly improve.

The best batters in baseball, on average, only get a hit in every three at bats. The key idea regarding looking back on your successes and failures is to build on your strengths. We spend too much time evaluating defeats and focusing on correcting weaknesses. Determine how and why you were successful, and seek to replicate that success. Weaknesses will simply atrophy.

3. Interpersonal Skills/Respect

By “respect,” I mean not merely affection. No one respects people who can only win if someone else loses, or who see life as a zero-sum game. You don’t have to like everyone, but you do have to remain civil. When you share, you gain respect; you also gain respect when you accept responsibility, when you volunteer and when you effectively negotiate and honestly resolve conflict.

Engendering respect requires the savvy use of interpersonal skills. The ways in which you communicate with colleagues, associates and clients play a large role in credibility and prove your ability (or inability) to create allies instead of adversaries.

Advice from a Yogi

An important factor in leveraging these three components is the willingness to coach others. Coaching builds your expertise, your track record and your respect. It’s like “one stop shopping.” As Yogi Bhajan, the late spiritual leader and entrepreneur who introduced kundalini yoga to the United States, once said: “If you want to learn something, read about it. If you want to understand something, write about it. If you want to master something, teach it.”

Be More Persuasive By Asking More Meaningful Questions

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Obtaining meaningful background information is critical when in the process of making a sale — and it will make you appear more persuasive in the eyes of everyone from your buyer to your boss.

In order to do that, try asking questions like these:

  • “If I may inquire, how long have you been thinking about this?”
  • “What prompted your research for this [car, computer, consultant]?”
  • “You sound informed; where have you done your research?”
  • “What do you know about [some feature, product, or approach]?”
  • “Have you determined a reasonable budget for this purchase?”
  • “Are you hopeful to have this done by [this quarter, the end of the year, after the snow melts]?”

These questions will give you a fairly solid idea of where your buyer is in his or her purchase cycle. Don’t be afraid to ask for specifics. If the buyer says, “I’ve looked online.” You can come back with, “Where, specifically?” The idea is for you to augment the prospect’s online research with your own knowledge, company information, and other services, and to obtain enough background information to help move you to the head of the pack in terms of being able to help this prospect.

A jumbled, incomplete account of a prospect’s history – “The company is thinking about maybe hiring a consultant to help with employee stuff; not sure what made them call us; sounds like they’ve talked to some other firms; they think they have budget and are planning to do something sometime next year” – does no one any good.

The prospect’s history, as obtained by a high-performance salesperson, should read something like this:

“Mack & Howe are looking for a consultant to help reduce employee turnover; they came to us because they read about our company in Forbes; they have already talked with two other firms: Deloitte and Stevens & Associates; are looking to spend between $50,000 and $75,000; and they want to have an initiative in place by the first quarter of next year.”

Or this:

“Prospective buyer is named Kurt Samson and is currently driving a 2007 Lexus; has heard great things about the new Lincolns and wanted to check them out; he’s considering a Cadillac, too, and has visited both local stores; customer is working at the medical center as an anesthesiologist and is expecting a nice end-of-year bonus to put toward this purchase, which he doesn’t want to cost more than $500 per month; open to leasing.”

In both of these sample profiles, the salesperson has gathered the prospects’ names and interests, as well as key details about employment, what prompted them to consider the salesperson’s organization, where else they’re looking to buy, their purchase time frame and a good deal of info about financials. All of these details should be recorded in the organization’s customer relationship management system, on a spreadsheet or even in a notebook. They will likely be referred to time and again before the deal closes.

As a salesperson armed with this information, I know with whom I’m potentially competing. Combine this knowledge with other information I’ve acquired about the prospective buyer, and I now possess very specific details that will help me best serve the customer. And when my sales manager inquires about the crucial information I’ve obtained from a prospect, I can emphatically answer in the affirmative and show the information.

This is performance-based selling — and it makes you more professional, more credible and more persuasive.

 

How to Create Your Own Halo Effect

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One idea critical to increasing a person’s persuasiveness is the so-called “halo effect” — which doesn’t receive as much attention as it should. When we judge others positively in one aspect of their lives, we often judge them positively in other unrelated aspects. This is known scientifically as exaggerated emotional coherence, and more commonly referred to simply as the halo effect.

Edward Thorndike first observed the halo effect in 1920 via a paper called “The Constant Error in Psychological Ratings,” which analyzed military officer rankings of subordinates. If a soldier boasted a strong physical appearance, he also was considered to have impressive leadership abilities. If he were loyal, he also was rated as highly intelligent. The correlations proved way too consistent for Thorndike, who determined that officers’ impressions in one area of a soldier’s experience too often colored their impressions in another.

That practice holds true today. If someone is attractive, he also usually is considered smart.  If a person appears enthusiastic, she often also is perceived as hard working. Friendly? Must be a good leader, too. We draw generalized conclusions based on a specific data point.

Priming the Halo Pump

First is foremost. People’s impressions are colored by the first piece of data they receive, and their subsequent impressions are shaped by that data. One of the earliest and most enduring studies of first impressions and the halo effect was completed by psychologist Solomon Asch, who asked people to evaluate the personalities of two individuals named Alan and Ben.

Alan: intelligent – industrious – impulsive – critical – stubborn – envious

Ben: envious – stubborn – critical – impulsive – industrious – intelligent

Obviously, the series of adjectives used to describe Alan is simply reversed for Ben. Here’s the catch: Although the same words appeared in a different sequence, test subjects always viewed Alan significantly more favorably than Ben. Even Alan’s negative characteristics were seen more positively, because of the positivity applied to the initial descriptors. If someone you view positively possesses a stubbornness streak, you consider him a person who takes a principled stand. On the other hand, if you already have a negative impression of that person, the stubbornness can be seen as a sign of inflexibility and unwillingness to consider new ideas.

Creating Your Halo

The clear takeaway here is to attempt everything you can to make your entry point with a target positive in some way. As a general rule and in the earliest stages of a relationship with a target, you should dress well, be friendly and approachable, and be well read, well traveled and conversational. Be able to articulate your value and add important contributions to discussions. Make a favorable impression early, and you’ll dramatically improve the likelihood of hearing “yes” later.

Meeting an important target with whom you want to cultivate a positive and persuasive relationship? The savvy professional puts thought into not only how to make a positive impression, but also how to shape conversations. For example, consider the context of the meeting. Will it be a formalized business setting, such as a boardroom? Or will it be a more casual one-on-one exchange in an office? Conduct some research and explore similarities, interests and unusual aspects of the target’s background. Be prepared to speak intelligently about the issue at hand, ask intelligent questions and add a thought-provoking perspective.

Your halo will be showing soon.