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The Psychology of Self‐Persuasion: The First Person Who Needs To Say ‘Yes’ Is You

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Whether it’s chasing a new job, requesting a plumb assignment or making a budget pitch to your board of directors, we all talk to ourselves before we take action. Many psychologists have labeled this ongoing mental dialogue “self‐talk.”

These internal comments impact thoughts, emotions, actions and ultimately careers and life itself. The following quote, attributed to everyone from Mahatma Gandhi to Ralph Waldo Emerson to the president of a leading supermarket chain, illustrates this cause and effect:

Watch your thoughts, they become words;
Watch your words, they become actions;
Watch your actions, they become habits;
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

The point is made even more elegantly in one of my favorite books of all time, As a Man Thinketh, by philosopher James Allen, published just after the turn of the 20th century and reprinted many times. It may very well have been the first “self‐help” book.

“Man is made or unmade by himself; in the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself,” Allen wrote. “He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace.”

What are you building?

Photo by Thomas Leuthard

Men, Women and the Truth: What You Need To Know To Hear ‘Yes’ From Both

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Men and Women

Remember that old “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” shtick? What did that really mean?

Here are 10 ways, based on real science, to help you break down gender differences in everything from networking to negotiating:

1. Men often overstate their abilities; women understate them.

Do your best to find the truth somewhere in the middle.

2. To men, “help” is a four-letter word.

Don’t give it to them unless they ask.

3. Men buy; women shop.

Keep that in mind when determining how slow or fast you should move.

4. Gender behavior is based on brain structure and body chemistry.

Differences in estrogen, testosterone and oxytocin affect moods, behaviors and decisions.

5. Gender behavior changes with age.

As men and women get older, testosterone and estrogen levels decrease respectively. This results in women becoming more assertive and men more accommodating.

6. Men decide; women ruminate.

After making a decision, the male brain shuts off. Female brains, however, continue to worry and second-guess. So when a female colleague says, “I’ll have to think about it,” that usually means she does need to think about it.

7. Women are better at negotiating for a group; men are better at negotiating for themselves.

Think about this when appointing project leaders.

8. Women tend to avoid conflict situations; men tend to avoid emotional scenes.

Again, this is an important consideration when assigning tasks.

9. Women respond better to stories than facts.

It may take you longer to state your case, but that’s not the point.

10. Women have better peripheral vision and will most likely notice that family photo on your desk.

What better way to get to know your new boss than having her ask about your spouse and kids!

(Photo by flashcurd via imcreator.com)

Use Your Eyes to Hear ‘Yes’ More Often

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Considering how many scientific studies have been devoted to eyes over the past three decades, perhaps they truly are the windows to our souls.

As far back as the 1980s, researchers have claimed that people perceive individuals who engage in eye contact as more trustworthy and likable than those who don’t. When you’re in the process of persuading someone, making eye contact with that person helps him or her better process your sales pitch, your terrific idea or your request for more time off.

Research reported by The New York Times and Psychology Today suggests other reasons why, when it comes to persuasion, the eyes have it:

  • A genuine smile can be detected by the narrowing of the eyes, creating lines at the outside corners. People who “fake smile” don’t have crow’s feet.
  • Dilated pupils indicate interest. When dilation happens in the person your attempting to persuade, you’ll know you’re closer to hearing “yes.”
  • Eye contact clears the path to enhanced and more meaningful conversation, because the two of you are now connecting on a stronger level.

Two caveats:

  • Some scientists claim the use of smiley faces and other emoticons in email and text messages is an attempt by the sender to make “eye contact” with the recipient. Scientists also say that approach doesn’t work.
  • Sometimes when engaged in the process of lying, people try too hard to deceive and make too much eye contact. When telling the truth — which should be all the time, especially when in the act of persuading — look but don’t stare.

Remember: The eyes really do have it.

How Color and Taste Impact ‘Yes’ and ‘No’

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Did you know that the type of beverage you drink, the surface of the chair on which you sit, and the color of clothing you wear all play a role in getting to “yes” (or “no”) faster?

Thalma Lobel, a Ph.D. and director of the child development center at Tel Aviv University, claims that decisions, judgments and values are derived as much from outside factors as they are from our brains.

In her 2014 book, Sensation: The New Science of Physical Intelligence, Lobel provides scientific evidence of how targets respond to common situations that, on the surface, appear insignificant. Here are just a few examples:

• People drinking warm beverages such as coffee or tea are judged by their targets to be more generous, caring, and good-natured than those enjoying such cold beverages as soda or iced coffee. The concept of “warm” and “cold” extends beyond the drink and transfers to the individual drinking it.

• That “warm/cold” mentality is at play in other facets of our lives, too. Take the chair you opt to sit in while making your pitch. Studies suggest harder chairs make people tougher negotiators, while softer chairs reduce their aggressiveness. Hmmm. Maybe you should add a soft and comfy chair to your office for guests…

• Researchers found that men consider women who wear a red blouse (opposed to a blue, green or gray blouse) consistently more attractive. Red represents strength, power and energy. Wear it when you need to hear “yes.”

What are some sensory indicators that help you hear “yes” more often?

(Photo by Ryan McGuire via Gratisography)